I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
