There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
