The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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