Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
