Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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