The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Watching her eat just hurts me
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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