i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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