I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
