he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize