So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I have already put on my inside pants.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
