Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
They have beer where we have blood.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
