I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
