Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
