dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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