im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
