can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize