i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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