Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
