we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
