You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize