I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
