brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
