The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
