we have officially lost it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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