worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
