You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
