Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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