the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
