i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
