there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
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