Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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