WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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