no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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