My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
