your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Randomize
