found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
