If that was your dad, he is hot
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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