if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
