apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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