I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
