i just had sex bonerless
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
