She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
