You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i was born a porn star she said
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
