My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
