i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize