Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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