I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I can text with my tongue
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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