I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Is Oprah even human
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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