You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
