I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize