We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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