No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Boobs speak an international language.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
