I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
