So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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