i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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