I met the friendliest cop last night
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
