I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
