Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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