One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Couch. On fire.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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