i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
